The Resolution

It’s not New Year, so this is not a New Years Resolution. This is a Life Resolution. A determination to change a thought patten, and not simply to “lose weight” or “quit smoking” or any of those other New Years Resolutions people make up because they feel it’s necessary.

I’ve been doing some evaluating of my life and my thought processes. I have plenty of flaws, and I’m going to try to fix as many of those as possible, one at a time. The first, and the most important one relates to my fears of the future. It took a while for the penny to drop, but now I get it: I’m so afraid to fail, that I won’t even take the risk for success. I’ve thought of all the times this thought process has prevented me from actually taking a chance. Jobs I haven’t applied for because I knew I wouldn’t be selected has been the biggest regret. So, simply, I have a new mantra. A new, two word phrase that I remind myself of at every moment, at every opportunity so that I don’t miss the chance for success again.

    BE FEARLESS

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The new background on my phone

It’s everywhere. It’s the background on my phone, it’s written in big letters on my pin board, it’s in bold, black text on my fridge. I’m reminded so frequently that I want to BE FEARLESS. And you know what, it’s working slowly. Today, I’ve applied for jobs that I probably won’t be offered, but I’ve gone for it anyway. It’s not much, but it’s a start. This is the start of living fearless. BE FEARLESS. Live.

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Top 10 Things To Do After Sex

10: Smoke A Cigarette
I don’t know what it is. I don’t even smoke! But there is something…. That smooth tobacco, the way you feel sexy, ugh. It’s definitely worth trying.

9: Drink Wine
Or in some cases, more wine. Yes, wine is good. A little intoxication never hurt anybody. Besides, there are those…. Uh…. Interesting tastes that tend to get caught on your tongue that you just need to get rid of. Wine. Yes. Get on it.

8: Have a Shower
Probably not sexy, I know. And I do have to say, it depends who it’s with. Personally, I’m not a fan of the Heavy Sweater. That person that just pours out perspiration to the point you could swear you just had sex underwater. It happens, dear friends. It happens. This is where a shower is very handy.

7: PlayStation/XBox
You just had sex! You’re the King/Queen/Undecided! Go out and slay some beasts or race a car or whatever! You’re still a champ. Yeah!

6: Tweet
Or blog, as I’m doing now. You know that feeling when you haven’t had sex for a while and you do and it feels like you can see COLOURS again for the first time? You need to shout that! Maybe don’t brag, but get social. Be happy! Interact with people and just have a good time (make sure your sex guest is ok with this first, alright?)

5: Leave/Make Them Leave
You’ve just had sex. That’s a lot of body contact. Sometimes too much. And now, it’s time to enjoy doing the spread eagle on your own. Starfish away, because nobody can shove you aside now!

4: Cuddles
Gross! But yes, a good cuddle and sweet nothings do make for a good night. They do. Really. Am I convincing you? Just accept that cuddles can be good. Otherwise choose another number from the list.

3: Plan More Sex
It’s midnight. Yeah, the sex was good, but you’re still after more. Maybe not right away (good for you though if you can!) but you can always wake up in a few hours for more! Now there’s an idea. Set your alarm for 2am and got for round 2!

2: Eat Ice Cream
Sex and ice cream. It works like chocolate and strawberries, or champagne and roses. It was meant to be. Now before you get all “I’m on a diet” on me, take a moment to think… You just had sex. Sex burns calories. Lots of calories! So you’re going into this ice cream on NEGATIVE CALORIES! That really doesn’t happen very often. Seriously, get in your car, drive to your local 24 Hour McDonalds and order yourself (and your guest, don’t be rude) a nice sundae. Yum.

1: Sleep
“Boring!”, you say. Au contraire, my friend. You know you’ve just had amazing, mind blowing sex when you need to sleep. That’s your body telling you that you’ve just had the life-force drained out of you, and it felt gooooooood. Yeah it did! Nows the time your body says “I give up! No more, I can’t… I can’t possibly! Too much Ohhhh zzzzzzzz.”

Got a favourite post-coital activity of your own? Share it with me! I’m keen to hear about what everybody else gets up to 😉

A depressing topic….

I have depression. I suppose a lot of people say this, and a lot of people have no idea what it means to be depressed. A lot of people think it is just having a bad day, a bad few days, or a bad month. That a long walk or a good chat will fix it all. That’s not the case at all. Depression is a sustained period of time feeling as though you’re spinning out of control in a dark whirlpool. It’s the feeling that you’re absolutely unworthy of the world and the people around you. It’s completely irrational. It isn’t something a walk or a good conversation will fix. Honestly, I don’t know if there is a fix. I’m sure some people have a solution, an outlet that allows them to eliminate their feelings and move on with their life. Not all of us do though.
I was first diagnosed when I was 11. Back then, I didn’t understand the concept of depression at all. I was sad, sure. I cried more than most people my age too, but still didn’t think there was anything wrong. Fortunately, it was a teacher that recognised my symptoms and advised my parents to consider taking me to a therapist. At that time, it worked. We worked through a lot of exercises to boost my self-esteem and self-confidence. For a long time, that worked. It took about a year before I felt as though I was fully recovered.
The next time I slid into depression was when I was 16. This is a particularly difficult time for most people, and unfortunately it is also the time when many young people begin to slip and fall onto depression. I worked my way out when I was eighteen and felt absolutely alive and free. (I wrote an essay about this time for a university essay once – I may post it here one day for you).
The most recent time I slipped into depression was when I was 21. There was, in a way, a reason for this. It involved a boy. I don’t want to go into all of the details, but it was definitely a case of unrequited love. That ended, and all the feelings I had for him vanished after a few months. It took me eighteen months to make the conscious decision to end the depression forever. Since this time, I’ve been recovering. I have bad days here and there, but the good days far outnumber the bad ones now. The biggest issue I’ve had is trusting other people with my feelings. In the past, I haven’t wanted to rely on other people. In my head it felt like weakness to need to have other people pull me out. Things are different now. I have a very loving partner and while it isn’t always easy, I can tell him when I have bad days. Me might not always understand exactly how I feel, but I definitely understand that he is there for me, and that gives me the strength to move on. I don’t know when I will finally be able to say I’m past depression and “cured”, but I know one day I will be able to say that. I have hope, and that isn’t something I’m letting go of anytime soon.

There is a purpose to me writing this – I read that one of my followers on Twitter took their own life recently. I’ve been close to this ledge several times before and managed to back down and the last minute. I hope whoever reads and relates to my experiences understands there is hope if you seek it out. It isn’t weak to rely on those close to you – it takes absolute strength and courage to do so. I hope you choose to talk to someone before you decide to give in to the loneliness. Please. There is hope and one day, you will be able to smile and feel good about yourself again. I don’t want anyone else putting their families and friends through the pain of suicide.

A Rant

I’ve been getting quite annoyed with people lately. Not everyone and not all the time, but it’s happening more and more. There is one behaviour that has really irked me lately – that is someone telling me what I should do. Now, I’m not a young girl throwing a hissy-fit and and yelling “don’t tell me what to do!” Really. I am just trying to figure some things out for myself. There are a lot of things that I need to resolve, and I can only do that my way. I can’t do what other people would do because I’m not other people. Those around me giving me unsolicited advice don’t know all of the details of my life like I do. As it stands at the moment, I’m learning. I’m feeling my way around the world and yes, I stumble here and there. We all do. These stumbles, trials and challenges are all important parts of the learning process. They are absolutely necessary in order to learn how to live and how to be the person you grow into. It might seem a strange concept, but being told that I should avoid them is counterproductive. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. I know people mean well, they care about me, but the advice they insist of giving is not helping me in the slightest.

I’m a big believer in finding a lesson in all sorts of situations. So, with this in mind, I’ve decided to change the way I interact with people. I’m not going to tell people what I think they should do anymore. I know how it feels and how it frustrates me, so I won’t do that to one of my friends.

Life Lessons

Have you ever just been walking down the street and BAM! Life lesson in your face!? It can be in times when you’ve got something on your mind and a sentence you read strikes a chord with you, or your watching your favourite TV show and something just makes sense to you. I had one of these moments today.
You see, I’m worried about my career at the moment. The industry I work in is having a bit of a crisis and I’m starting to consider jumping ship. It’s all a bit stressful. Especially considering how long I’ve been working on getting to where I am. But today, I was watching an unnameable TV show (ok, it was GIRLS) when I came to this sudden realisation –

As long as I’m happy with where I am today, I shouldn’t have to stress about the future

Allow me to elaborate. I love my job. Really. A portion of the stress involved in changing is my fear that I won’t find anything else I love as much. I think that’s legitimate. But what’s the point of worrying about that if I love what I do today? I should worry about that when it comes. Furthermore, I shouldn’t try to untangle myself from my relationship with my career at the moment. I shouldn’t allow my concerns for the future affect what I do today. And to think it took me twenty-three years to learn that lesson.

Please feel free to share similar stories with me.